Healing Winter's Wounds....

Head in hands, I sank to the steps and let the first tears finally fall. Another year was too long to wait...

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My family's annual trip to Deep Creek is one we anxiously look forward to for months. This year, after being given a one two punch from Old Man Winter, the trip was not just a treat, but a necessity. We all were itching to reconnect, laugh, drink and shed our weary winter coats at last. For me it was so much more. Nearly three full days with my babies and my Boy...a rare gift.

Sitting in the passenger seat, the sun warming my face, I felt uniquely blessed.  The three people I cherish more than anything in the world were sharing the same space and I felt waves of nostalgia consume me. It had been more than two years since I was part of a "nuclear" family and for a few days I was going to revel in it. It wasn't just Girl, it was us. And so we drove and chatted and yelled at the little ladies not to put their feet on the seat. And, for a moment, we were one.

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We arrived first, anxiously awaiting my mother's arrival. The entrance of Mum would signal the start of the festivities. And lunchmeat. Mum always gets there first, raids the local grocery store and stocks up on enough lunchmeat to feed hungry children in Siberia. She also has an uncanny ability to buy exactly what is needed in the exact right amount. She rolled into the cabin armed with fifteen pounds of ham, toothpaste, coffee creamer and frisbees as big as the sun. Good lord did we have fun with those damn frisbees.

As the day progressed the rest of the clan slowly trickled in. Shortly before sunset all had arrived, claiming rooms and cracking beers. As the sun began to set, we all gathered outside to warm our faces in the waning light and breathe in the lake air. Music drifted along the breeze, kids were chased, hugs and high fives became more prevalent as the drinks flowed. And the time together started to heal what the winter had wounded.

The rest of the weekend was more of the same, too much to write here. We watched Papa dive into the hot tub, now conspicuously filled with bubbles and knocked each other over when the winning goal drifted across the red line. The Pens were headed to the next round. The girlfriends and I caught up while deveining shrimp, grilling one another on love and life. The wine on the windowsill threatened to spill as Pink and Tink rumbled by on their bikes. We cooked a gluttonous feast for the crew and I felt, in that moment, that I was whole again. What the last two years had taken from me had finally been returned in this brightly lit room full of food and laughter. Family and understanding. I looked at my mother and saw all that she and Papa had created.  All of these people, with all of their gifts and faults, all in one room. I was humbled by the enormity of it.

And Boy, fitting in like a glove. Shriveled from too much time in the hot tub, stomach sore from laughter. I never wanted to leave.

But leave we must and we did, parting with a last look at the lake and sending a silent wish to whomever would listen that the next year keep us all safe and in enough love that we meet back here again. Again, to let our hair down at the end of a long winter's nap.

Thanks Mum...

365...

Do you remember...

The night we met...sharing wine and tapas...
Butterflies invaded my body.
On some level I knew you...
All night I tried to decode this feeling...
I was home...
It was you...
It has always been you...
Your hand in my hand....
Your breath on my lips....
I recognized them from some other life...
You weren't new to me...
We were rekindling a love extinguished...
Not the love of my life, but the love in my life...
Home.

Happy first anniversary Boy...

I love you...

Checks and Balances...

"What do we live for, if it is not to make life less difficult for each other?" - George Eliot

At an interminable Inservice meeting today, we were discussing our Emotional Account Balances. The bank accounts of the heart, if you will. Our relationships, whether they be good or bad, make deposits and withdrawals upon our lives.  The goal, of course, is to stay in the black.  If too many relationships leave us wading in the red, we run the risk of becoming emotionally bankrupt.

The teacher running the show was encouraging us to think of a prominent relationship in our lives and create a list of withdrawals and deposits, hopefully realizing the the deposit list is much higher. Of course, my mind and heart go immediately to Boy. We are nearing the first anniversary of our first date and I am immensely proud of that for many reasons, not the least of which is that I have never had a relationship so full of deposits. His generosity is so humbling that I feel almost embarrassed at times. In one year's time he has completely changed the way I view love.

I had a brief moment of insecurity recently and questioned Boy about his feelings for me, to which he replied, "If I didn't want to be here Girl, I wouldn't." And he's right. Boy doesn't pull any punches and he doesn't buy into emotional girly games. His actions have proven time and again what a loyal and honest person he is.

The other night we had tickets to see David Gray. I bought them for Boy, delighted that I was finally able to give something back to him. A mere pittance, considering all he's done for me, but he was so excited. So it was quite apropos that I got the stomach flu the day of the concert. Being as stubborn as ever, I was determined to go.  Boy saw the agony I was in as we drove to the show and made the executive decision that we weren't going, no ifs ands or buts about it. Instead of enjoying a grown up night out on the town, I ended up on the couch in my sweatpants and manrobe, while Boy watched Alvin and the Chipmunks with Pink and Tink. He put jammies on the girls, brushed their teeth and snuggled up with Pink as the Chipettes rocked out to the Single Ladies. I may have been physically spent, but my emotional bank account was completely full.

Ten years ago today, I got engaged. I was emotionally bankrupt, but the huge rock on my finger was proof that I was getting all I had ever wanted. Too bad I never actually asked myself what it was that I needed instead. Fast forward a decade and I could care less about jewelry and presents, or the next big thing. Right now I have all I ever really needed. I owe so much of that to Boy. So...thank you Boy for too many things to name. But, mostly, for depositing so much of your love into my account. I am eternally grateful.